Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize