the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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