My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
