Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
