sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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