I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
