your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
