I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
