and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
