on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
