Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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