If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just gargled with NyQuil
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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