Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
