he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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