I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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