In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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