Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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