She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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