haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
