I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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