I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
