Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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