Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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