fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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