went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
