you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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