i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
