Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
