they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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