Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
