Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
