Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
