I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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