Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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