wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
