I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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