you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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