Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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