I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize