just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
