I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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