My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
