i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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