Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
