NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
