I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
