Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
