waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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