My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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