i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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