i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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