Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
