she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
