Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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