my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
