I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
