I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
