We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
