Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
